Open Mouth, Insert Smile : ) + Somber Reflections on a Remarkable Year
WARNING– This post is not a pick-me-up, warm and fuzzy, let’s-start-the-year-off-soaring kind of post. Rather, it’s the antithesis of the typical Paper Apron post– a real downer, and quite possibly TMI. So, if you stop reading now, you just may go on about your day, as happy-go-lucky as you were when you started reading this fair warning. No worries. And please, do check back in a few days, when all is back to normal in Paperapronland.
I’ve been on hiatus. Sure, I’ve been crazy-busy over the holidays, (just like you) meeting up with old friends, hosting family gatherings, shopping, wrapping presents, baking biscotti, popping handfuls of rum balls and rearing our new puppy (with whom, I am completely smitten, BTW).
However, I haven’t posted lately, for another reason: Zero desire. {yikes!} But, it’s not like it sounds! I can explain…
You see, I haven’t recently desired much of anything, except a long winter’s nap on the couch.
This little tale starts a few months ago:
Just before Halloween, I notice that my body is gearing down and my heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I am having surges of unwelcome, unreasonable, unrelenting unhappiness, served with a too generous portion of fatigue. Although it’s alarming, I am pretty sure it’s an anomaly. Depression is somewhat of a foreign concept to me; I am a happy, smiling, positively upbeat kid. I may not be young, but I’m very young-at-heart.
I quietly (okay, perhaps not so quietly, Rebeca) blame the whole emotional lapse on my latest contract, which, as you may remember, has landed me once again, inside a gray cubicle, on a gray floor, which is slid like a cafeteria tray into a hermetically sealed larger gray box of a building, humming with piped-in white noise, and the glaring florescence of unreal, artificial daylight. I mean, seriously, that could depress anyone, right?
Turns out, it wasn’t my cubicle’s fault.
When November arrived, in a desperate attempt to snap out of it, I did the NaBloPoMo, 30 Posts in 30 Days thingy, stretching myself thin in an effort to ward off the happiness thieves trying to break in through my head and duct tape my heart.
Alas. All of November’s daily posting mania couldn’t pull me out of my slumbering dirge. I was in trouble. Rich heard it loud and clear. This isn’t like me. Something is wrong with me. I’m not like this, am I?
Woooohhooooo. My first depression!!! It zings with all of the merriment of getting your first period, your first college loan due date, your first gray hair, your first wrinkle…. Oh help me, oh help me, oh help me, oh help me.
And although I’d never had one, (as if depression is a singular entity that arrives in a mini casket, draped with a black bow) my family, and extended family, is no stranger to depression.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve urged loved ones to just get out and go take a walk. As if they could shrug the depression off, if they would only make an effort.
Now I get it. You can’t wish depression away. And you can’t kiss it away. All the puppy kisses in the world didn’t cure me.
And so, we fast forward the story to a doctor’s visit and a test result of hypothyroidism. {Insert quick prayer of thanks for modern medicine here.} It seems that somewhere in the past few months, I’d signed up for a new club. Indeed, a wildly popular club of lifers.
And sure, I watch Oprah. And no, I didn’t take notes on the hypothyroid episode. I just thought, oh you know…that will never affect moi. This thought actually occurred, even though my father had thyroid cancer, which was as frightening as it reads. Did you have this it’ll never happen to me thought, too, or are you one of the many members signed up for the hypothyroidism-for-life club?
Anyway, all is getting better. I had a pretty normal day today. No sleeping all day. Not a whiff of sadness. Perhaps my little white pills are starting to work. After all, I actually found myself wanting to post tonight! Yes, Paper Apron, there is a Santa Claus!
{gush} I missed you guys!!!!
Topic #2: Somber Reflections on a Remarkable Year
When I wrote the title, “Somber…” this morning, well, I was somber. But, tonight, I’m feeling pretty good and I’m thrilled to report that I was able to underline the vast majority of my 2009 goals this year (see chalkboards). I didn’t make a mole sauce, but I was triumphant with my soufflé! And although I never made it to Brussels, I did get to live in Paris and pretend like I was a Parisian over the summer. That was my absolute highlight. My puppy, Mazy, may be highlight number two. And “Get a Dog” was on last year’s list, so I’m doing something right with this continued list of dreams.
I’ve erased my boards and will be collecting my dreams and wishes for my 2010 chalkboards. I usually give myself a few weeks in January to ramp up my top sixty or so wishes and goals. Depression blip aside, economic slip aside, I am visualizing another truly wonderful year. I hope you are, too. Any ideas you want to share?
January 4th, 2010 at 7:09 pm
THis was a really moving post. I myself had hypothyroidism and it is so tough to deal with at first.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
You are an amazing woman, Miss Kim. Hang in there. If we didn’t have the shadows, we’d never appreciate the light, but thank God for good drugs. I enjoy your musings and thoughts so much. Thanks for putting yourself out there.
January 4th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
I, too, had hypothyroidism for many many years. Still need to take meds for it. It wasn’t always fun having that thought in the back of my mind while still trying to be normal especially when I was a child. It’s a bit tough at first, but over time you learn to deal with it in your own way.
January 5th, 2010 at 6:05 am
Ugh. Was wondering why you’ve been so quiet. I think hypothyroidism ranks right up there with Seasonal affective Disorder (the reason I could never live in the Pacific Northwest) for causes of depression. The good news is that you’ve figured out what you’ve got, you’ve got the drugs, and you can try to deal with it. And don’t forget about pie – a nice slice of pie makes everything a little bit better.
Big hug to you, Kim.
January 5th, 2010 at 6:10 am
Awww Kim I wish there was something I could do or say to make things better for you. I was just wondering about you too, “where has my paper apron gone??”.
I’ve never battled depression, but my best friend had a terrible bout with post-partum 12 yrs ago and I still remember that feeling of helplessness. There was nothing I could do to help, not even cupcakes!!!
I’m glad you’re starting to feel better. Really I am. Hugs to you my friend.
January 5th, 2010 at 7:29 am
Hang in there and take it only one step at a time!
Good wishes sent your way..!
Ronelle
January 5th, 2010 at 10:14 am
Kim
I don’t know about HypoThyroidism, but your sadness is a bit disturbing I am sure. I am glad to hear you seem to be getting it under control. Good for you. Many people go into denial mode when they are faced with health issues. I know because I was denying my eating issues (or rather not eating issues) that seemed to pop up after I broke my jaw. The mind is complicated and fascinating. Your self-awareness and your general leaning towards happiness will help you through this period I just know it!
So Happy New Year! And please let me stress HAPPY!
I know what will cheer you up… you can vote for me for the HOMIES. I am the finalist most likely to lose! Let’s just get me out of last place, shall we? http://homies.apartmenttherapy.com/2009/category/home-cooking GREG
January 5th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Was wondering where you had disappeared to recently… now I know! Glad that you (and the dr.) figured it out & that you are back on the road to being Kim again!
Hugs,
Kelly
P.S. You mean that Rich doesn’t even get ONE of the chalkboards for his wishes & dreams? lol
January 5th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
this post is a pick me up– to me. It helps me know that even brilliant and busy like you can have some blues–and it makes me feel better to know that you have ever spent one lazy afternoon on the couch or just felt blah, even when you want to be happy! I’ve been kind of picturing you as always busy and working and still having endless energy to cook and iron napkins! what a relief. thank God you’re not sick. sick. and God help us, with thyroid hormone replacement–what will you be capable of now? you’ll really be making me feel so lazy..
The Apron is familiar and comforting..it helps the rest of us out here! I’m like Lisa–just wish there was something I could do to return the favor!!
If it makes you feel any better. I hope I’ve made it clear–I have had many depressing periods over the past year or so–and that’s what I have loved about the Paper Apron. You gave me something smart and fun to read and something to look forward to–I didn’t have to talk. I like to withdraw myself when I am down. (much to the dismay of some people we know)
January 5th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Oh Kim! I totally get it. I had my moments last year, I felt totally overwhelmed with my moving cross country and I’m still trying to fit in and feel at home. So sometimes is very difficult to write something funny and upbeat when all you want is to hide under the covers and be quiet. But I’m glad you are getting better, and your puppy is the most adorable thing. It’s a shame we live that far or we could totally kick our blues with some 5 o’clock margaritas and guacamole. ;-D
January 6th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
I love the honesty of this post. We women have to deal with a lot of “stuff” over the course of our lives, don’t we? That carefully balanced mix of hormones and chemicals and who-knows-what-else inside us can be so quickly thrown out of whack, and the imbalance so profoundly affects every aspect of our lives. Glad to hear you are on the mend. I hope your new year is filled with much joy and good health!
January 6th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
Well, if these comments can’t cheer a girl up, I don’t know what can. Thanks, you guys. Thank you so, so much.
In this physically detached and supposedly artificial Internet space, I am continually touched by how warm and kind and generous a place I find it to be.
I read your words and I think how fortunate I am that I had the Apron to talk to you through. Truth is, if I didn’t have this blog, I can’t imagine that I would’ve told anyone except a few close friends (ones that I’d been driving crazy over the past few months) and my immediate family.
In kind, I’m discovering several friends have had it for years without ever mentioning it.
I suppose if you’re not around during the initial symptoms phase of someone’s hypo-journey (for lack of a better term), by the time they get diagnosed and ‘cured’ by meds, there’s not much to this little malady.
Knock on wooden desk.
In fact, the past few days have found me smiling and happy, busily working away in my little gray cube over in Corporateland. Imagine that.
I’m hearing that, over the years, the symptoms will likely reappear. But, compared to so many people who have to deal with so much more than a little blip like this– as in, truly serious physical and mental diseases, debilitating or incurable– I want to throw open my arms and welcome a little depression and fatigue in. I am so lucky.
And I wholeheartedly agree with Nancy– a few shadows thrown onto your life do wonders for making you appreciate how beautiful the light is everywhere else.
January 7th, 2010 at 5:51 am
Hi Kim, after reading this post, I hope there’s something I can do for you. But honestly, I don’t know what to do but my prayers are with you and you’re going to get better and better. I’ve experienced that “zero desire” in my life, not because of a sickness but because of something else; but not only for the blog but also in my life. I’m glad you’re enthusiasm is coming back but always do take rest, and I know you do. You need that energy to do the other things you have on your chalkboard. I wish you all the best for this year and I know that 2010 is going to be your best. Hugs, Divina
January 7th, 2010 at 6:10 pm
hi kim, i’m so glad to see you back and see that you’re getting better. i envision only good, sweet and happy things on your 2010 chalkboard…all penciled in pretty, pastel chalk. i’m thinking of you…and sending hugs your way.
January 7th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
It didn’t show up as depression, but I’m in the club as well. It took several tries to get my thyroid med dosage right, and it takes monitoring to keep it steady.
Occasionally I get cynical about the internet and how disconnected and individualistic it allows us (me!) to be… and then I read something like this and it restores some of my faith in the positive that the internet can do in connecting people, encouraging honesty, and sharing stories so that we each know we’re not alone. Thanks for your story and for the reminder that no one is an island!
January 13th, 2010 at 6:56 am
I am sorry to hear about your thyroid condition, at least we have modern medicine to help it. You wouldn’t believe how many women have hypothyroid, I saw it all the time when I worked. That medicine is second to anti-depressants. My last job, I worked with a lady that had it, and she wouldn’t take her meds, it was so hard to see her suffer.