WARNING– This post is not a pick-me-up, warm and fuzzy, let’s-start-the-year-off-soaring kind of post. Rather, it’s the antithesis of the typical Paper Apron post– a real downer, and quite possibly TMI. So, if you stop reading now, you just may go on about your day, as happy-go-lucky as you were when you started reading this fair warning. No worries. And please, do check back in a few days, when all is back to normal in Paperapronland.

I’ve been on hiatus. Sure, I’ve been crazy-busy over the holidays, (just like you) meeting up with old friends, hosting family gatherings, shopping, wrapping presents, baking biscotti, popping handfuls of rum balls and rearing our new puppy (with whom, I am completely smitten, BTW).
However, I haven’t posted lately, for another reason: Zero desire. {yikes!} But, it’s not like it sounds! I can explain…
You see, I haven’t recently desired much of anything, except a long winter’s nap on the couch.
This little tale starts a few months ago:
Just before Halloween, I notice that my body is gearing down and my heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I am having surges of unwelcome, unreasonable, unrelenting unhappiness, served with a too generous portion of fatigue. Although it’s alarming, I am pretty sure it’s an anomaly. Depression is somewhat of a foreign concept to me; I am a happy, smiling, positively upbeat kid. I may not be young, but I’m very young-at-heart.
I quietly (okay, perhaps not so quietly, Rebeca) blame the whole emotional lapse on my latest contract, which, as you may remember, has landed me once again, inside a gray cubicle, on a gray floor, which is slid like a cafeteria tray into a hermetically sealed larger gray box of a building, humming with piped-in white noise, and the glaring florescence of unreal, artificial daylight. I mean, seriously, that could depress anyone, right?
Turns out, it wasn’t my cubicle’s fault.
When November arrived, in a desperate attempt to snap out of it, I did the NaBloPoMo, 30 Posts in 30 Days thingy, stretching myself thin in an effort to ward off the happiness thieves trying to break in through my head and duct tape my heart.
Alas. All of November’s daily posting mania couldn’t pull me out of my slumbering dirge. I was in trouble. Rich heard it loud and clear. This isn’t like me. Something is wrong with me. I’m not like this, am I?
Woooohhooooo. My first depression!!! It zings with all of the merriment of getting your first period, your first college loan due date, your first gray hair, your first wrinkle…. Oh help me, oh help me, oh help me, oh help me.
And although I’d never had one, (as if depression is a singular entity that arrives in a mini casket, draped with a black bow) my family, and extended family, is no stranger to depression.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve urged loved ones to just get out and go take a walk. As if they could shrug the depression off, if they would only make an effort.
Now I get it. You can’t wish depression away. And you can’t kiss it away. All the puppy kisses in the world didn’t cure me.
And so, we fast forward the story to a doctor’s visit and a test result of hypothyroidism. {Insert quick prayer of thanks for modern medicine here.} It seems that somewhere in the past few months, I’d signed up for a new club. Indeed, a wildly popular club of lifers.
And sure, I watch Oprah. And no, I didn’t take notes on the hypothyroid episode. I just thought, oh you know…that will never affect moi. This thought actually occurred, even though my father had thyroid cancer, which was as frightening as it reads. Did you have this it’ll never happen to me thought, too, or are you one of the many members signed up for the hypothyroidism-for-life club?
Anyway, all is getting better. I had a pretty normal day today. No sleeping all day. Not a whiff of sadness. Perhaps my little white pills are starting to work. After all, I actually found myself wanting to post tonight! Yes, Paper Apron, there is a Santa Claus!
{gush} I missed you guys!!!!
Topic #2: Somber Reflections on a Remarkable Year
When I wrote the title, “Somber…” this morning, well, I was somber. But, tonight, I’m feeling pretty good and I’m thrilled to report that I was able to underline the vast majority of my 2009 goals this year (see chalkboards). I didn’t make a mole sauce, but I was triumphant with my soufflé! And although I never made it to Brussels, I did get to live in Paris and pretend like I was a Parisian over the summer. That was my absolute highlight. My puppy, Mazy, may be highlight number two. And “Get a Dog” was on last year’s list, so I’m doing something right with this continued list of dreams.
I’ve erased my boards and will be collecting my dreams and wishes for my 2010 chalkboards. I usually give myself a few weeks in January to ramp up my top sixty or so wishes and goals. Depression blip aside, economic slip aside, I am visualizing another truly wonderful year. I hope you are, too. Any ideas you want to share?
January 4th, 2010 | Category: Issue no. 9 | Leave a Comment! (16) people are talking...